buffets.

Buffets present an array of emotions for me. the first is excitement, at the near certainty that food is endlessly available and that I don't have to worry about anything running out.

The second is something akin to horror. "Crap", I say to myself. "I need a plan. I can't just walk up to 30' of tables filled with options without a PLAN!" for one, I need to organize my plate, and for two I try to have a "plan" so that I don't just end up with heaps of mashed potatoes and three slices of cheesecake for dinner.

confusing right? such internal conflict.

Anyway, this brings us to last night. End of season celebration for the team I coach.
There are things to be expected with this:
Lots of high pitched squeals and shrieks as the girls discuss the latest social drama. Tears from the seniors. tears from parents of the seniors... baked goods aaaaaand usually a nice generic toast with some group photos and if I've been a good little coach, some sort of gift certificate. All in all these are fun events (win!).

So I was all jazzed to go, (even though the event was at a shopping center) when, as I entered the restaurant I see (gasp) a GIGANTIC buffet. and this was no ordinary buffet. this was a MEXICAN buffet. My brain instantly fried.

"hi coach!" says a cute parent. "great season, thanks!" says another.
I hope that i mustered a "yeah... thanks..nice job.. you're kid's great" between my mental SHRIEKS of "GUACAMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE! BLACK BEANS!!! ohh! better, REFRIED BEANS!!!!! CHIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS."

Just about the time I got my head about me I realized that I would be sharing this buffet with the scariest of all co-diners - teenage girls.

CRAP. So just as I start complaining about how full I'm getting off chips and about to make some gross comment about tucking my stomach into the top of my jeans, I realize that I am in fact (in this specific situation) considered a "role model." Unfortunately, this means that self deprecating/body conscious comments are totally not allowed.

DOUBLE CRAP! Now I have to get through a gigantic Mexican buffet (with guacamole, re-fried beans AND chips) without complaining about my body, how full I am (while continuing to eat) OR making disparaging comments about the 6 fun size mr goodbars I consumed before even getting to the giant buffet. Tough work.

I think I managed my way through, might have even put in a few positive comments to the girls who were making the snide remarks that I so DESPERATELY wanted to be chiming in on. "You're beautiful! and guacamole is not going to make you fat..."

when you can't lie to yourself... its best to lie to impressionable youth.. the honest "yeah honey, keep eating guac with a spoon and you're end up like me, pushing the upper limits of designer denim sizing..."

role model indeed.