Oh Dear.

So, you know that point when you're watching TV late at night (or at 11am on a weekday) usually in sweats and looking nothing short of disheveled when you see ads or infomercials or whatever and you find yourself watching them for WAY longer than you should? 
Well I've decided that as body dysmorphia increases, willingness to entertain gadegets/crash diets/fat absorbing pills increases exponentially. I'm sure there's a quadradic formula to be solved somewhere in there, but I don't care.

Basically, in my current mental state I am very susceptible to anything that may (however minimally) contribute to any sort of fitness or weight loss.  Combine this with a hungover trip to Nordstrom on Sunday with the girls and you've got a desperate girl in the women's shoe section eyeballing those new walking shoes that promise to lift your ass, tone your thighs and make you generally smarter with every step you take in them.  Obviously I purchased them, and although I know that I wasn't thinking totally clearly (other purchases include gray suede pumps made by FERGIE, really?!) I'm confident that these new ass toning-thigh tightening-smarter making shoes are significantly less retarded looking than the ones on the market a few years ago (let's hope).  I chose the darling option of silver/gold in the hopes that I might actually wear them and not just throw them in the back of my closet...

As with most new things I've been wearing them almost exclusively (still haven't rocked the Fergie pumps.. but I'm sure that has nothing to do with their soft, shiny trashy selves, I'm just waiting for the right "occasion"... maybe stripping?). Anyway, I was brave enough to wear them to the gym yesterday with The Trainer, which was a bit of a risk.  Mostly because The Trainer has a total shoe fetish and is a little judgey-judgey when it comes to athletic footwear and these shoes, while an improvement might still look a little ridiculous.  Fortunately they passed the test (I think it was the metallic sheen that saved me..).  UNfortunately, while they are really super comfy to walk in and feel like normal shoes with a little extra squish, they are HELL to workout in.  I guess I mean "hell" in a good way, because whatever "balance ball technology" is on the bottom of these god damn shoes make weight lifting and any other balance exercise 20x more difficult. 

One leg deadlifts are somewhat painful on my best days, but in these things I almost died.  My poor calf muscles nearly melted off trying to keep my big fat legs upright and not rolling off to one side or the other. The Trainer was remarkably unapologetic, but I think I got back at him when we did "pull ups" because I"m fairly certain that I forced him to support 95% of my body weight while I struggled with the last 20lbs or so.. take that big strong black guy, YOU can support my expanding self for 4 sets of 8 pathetic attempts to lift myself up.... 

These days I usually leave hte gym in a significant amount of pain, but yesterday was a new low/high depending on how you look at it.  I literally could not stand up straight for the rest of the day, and this morning was no improvement. 

As of now the shoes are off and I'm plotting my next meal, but I must say that I'm somewhat surprised that this particular gadget kicked my ass so hard.  Maybe I should explore other products that appear to over promise and under deliver?  So far I've only been wearing the shoes, but maybe they'll still work if I just snuggle with them like this girl..

Can't hurt, right?